Yemeles

After listening to Jeananne Verlee’s 40 Love Letters an obscene number of times over the past year or so, I decided I would make my own.

Dear Helen, I still remember every detail of that night. Life altering really.
Dear Israel, I’m sorry about Valentines Day. I’m sorry I was ashamed.
Dear Tom, I should have been in love with you, but when you didn’t call I was relieved.
Dear Gerard, I will always, always, love you.
Dear Christian, I’ve never told anyone about you and the pool. It’s my favorite joke when I see others swim in it.
Dear Chelsea, No I’m not drunk, no this isn’t a joke. I still want you.
Dear Nick, She’s absolutely right, I will never be enough to fill the shoes that will one day stand at your side.
Dear Billy, If only you were straight.
Dear Dorothy, if only you were gay.
Dear Mitch, I sometimes think of what may have been, but then I look at your daughter and all that disappears.
Dear Ezra, I still feel the way I did on that picnic table that night. I will always be jealous of her.
Dear Heather, I really did love you. Now the thought of you infuriates me.
Dear Miguel, Sweetie, it would have never worked. You’re just too…nice for me.
Dear Tim, You simply could never handle me.
Dear Robert, It seems perfect but I love you too much.
Dear Tony, Since we were in second grade I knew you exactly how perfect you were. I should have never let you go.
Dear James, You would have broken me in half.
Dear Nai, I will always measure everyone against you. I still feel a jolt at the thought of your touch.
Dear Wit, I originally wanted to get with your friend..getting you instead was more than a pleasant surprise.
Dear Emma, I never told you I slept with your brother first. He was better.
Dear Alex, I’m shocked that I still even remember your name.
Dear Spencer, With that voice and that tongue..I think you’d make a better gay.
Dear Oliver, I broke girl code for you. You never should have happened.
Dear Carlton, I started to like you more than I originally intended. I’m sorry I left without kissing you goodbye.
Dear Will, between the SoCo, vomit, and waking up in my bath tub..I’m glad I don’t remember what we did or didn’t do that night.
Dear Ken, You were my test of self control, and dammit I wish I had failed.
Dear Avery, I would have taken all of it on, but I respect your sister too much.
Dear Florence, you were the first person to actually call me out, to my face. Thank you.
Dear Bianca, We both know you weren’t ready. I hope you don’t still hate me.
Dear Vick, you’re too good for me. & that kills me.
Dear girl with the cute dimples and chipped fingernail polish across from me on the bus…

I hate to see friendships die. It’s the most awful thing. Losing a best friend is worse than a break up. At least in the break up you have your best friend to comfort you, when you break up with your friend..who will be there? And it doesn’t have to be sudden either, I would almost prefer that. A big fight and a definitive, “I hate you, don’t talk to me ever.” that would be bearable. No, the worst is when you simply grow apart. At one time you shared every detail of your life with this person, they were the first person you called when something fantastic happened to you, something awful happened to a family member, that ex called you, your boyfriend was acting strange. You shared rides to work, clothes, ideas, family, dreams, food, movies, parties, secrets, jokes, silence. You had more “remember whens” together than with anyone else. Now, you can’t remember the last time you shared a meaningful conversation. If you do speak it’s “Hey, how have you been?..Yeah, we really need to catch up sometime. Take care!”. Bullshit. You once never even had to second guess “making time” for this person, it was a vital part of your schedule. A necessity. Now, it’s “Yeah, I’ve just been so busy with..blah blah blah.” It absolutely baffles me how this phenomenon even occurs. I just don’t know how two people whose lives were once so intertwined and dependent on one another could have strayed so far and become total strangers.